Writing My Self-Portrait 

This folio is in the first person and will take the readers through the journey of planning and working on this output. This document contains the research that has been conducted by me for over a year. It goes through the research of understanding the process of creation of paintings of Vincent Van Gogh, tracing back the steps of his journey, the creation of his paintings, his life and problems faced by him during his life which led to his early death. It will explore the various aspects of Folk Art and its relationship to Contemporary Art that is being created in the process. Two specific forms of Folk Art known as the Pichwai Art from Rajasthan, India and Gond Art from Madhya Pradesh, India both will be explored. There will be a focus on geographical locations that will not be mentioned directly but be explained in detail that outline location, it will be inspired by the book of Italo Calvino ‘The Invisible Cities’. It will also outline the emotional journey and the practical journey that I went through that lead to the development of this idea. This journey will begin from the very start of a new journey, it will capture the effect of the Covid-19 virus on me at a personal level and on my art.

Van Gogh this name, this identity, this person was not new to me it was one that was present around me since my childhood. I have been seeing it forever, be it a painting of his self-portrait in an art book during school or his painting of Starry Night around me in all its forms. I have seen it on cutlery, stationery, bedsheets, pillows, phone covers and endless things, almost everything that can be imagined. I could never separate myself from reading about him…

But anyway,

My MFA application got accepted, my visa got accepted, Oh My God! My dreams were finally coming true. I was running, walking, jogging, strutting, dancing, hopping, sitting and also relaxing. I was shopping for all I need, eating all the street food, teaching all my students, preparing all my documents, completing all my jobs, meeting all my friends, meeting all my family…OMG! I was finally going to travel to fulfil my dreams, it is my time to shine. But I am also leaving this city, the beautiful sea, the beautiful beaches, the queen’s necklace, the sea link, the gateway, the 24x7 life, the one place that always will be my home.

… “There is something within me – what can it be?” … says Jean Leymarie about Van Gogh, it was something he was trying to explore during his years of heartbreaks and failures. Even though I and he are not in the same situations or have the same feelings something was drawing me towards his journey. The journey of self and that of showcasing the world what he was, what I am. I started reading more about him when I travelled for the first time. It started as a coincidence and soon was developing into something more planned. In April of 2020, I had planned a trip to Amsterdam, one of the main reasons being the visit to the Van Gogh Museum. It was attracting me for a long time when the struggles became real, I was drawing towards it all the more. But does everything ever go as you plan them? I would say never… fate plays games with us and the same was going to happen with all of us…

But anyway,

Things were changing even though I had no clue. Covid-19, corona, a virus, a pandemic had hit the world. I had to go back, not because I was willing but because it was a necessity. I was shocked, terrified, scared, sad, confused, it was such a mess of emotions. I was going back, not because I was happy to but because I was being forced to. The force from the virus, the fear, the impeding dangers, the family is worried about. A tornado of emotions that were like the dark blue rain clouds blocking my time to shine. I was leaving the rivers, the 7 bridges, the maple trees, the churches, the beautiful galleries, the castles, the angel, the one place that was my own.

But,

Why was there so much thinking going on? Why were there so many emotions involved? Why was there so much of a mess inside me? Why were there so many new things coming?

Everything was changing around me, my geographic location, my studio, my accommodation, my family, my friends, my environment, my art, my life. Everything was changing in me, my ideas, my feelings, my emotions, my outlook, my perspective, my thoughts, my mind. One of the best art ideas came to me during this time but nothing was feeling correct. My art my ideas were better than at any other point in time in my life, but the emotional wormhole is so strong that I can’t resist it. It is eating me up in some form, I needed some out for it. I wanted an expression to show my emotions… show myself, I have been hiding in the back for a long time now. I think it is time to be expressive, but I can’t speak, talk, express my emotions verbally. But that’s not it is it?

I am getting drawn back to Van Gogh and his art journey. Just like Van Gogh tried to express through his art – “I want to paint in such a way that if necessary, everybody with eyes will be able to understand me.”

And I realise that I can paint too, and I can even write. And above all I don’t even need to speak, there is no need for me to speak and still, my story can be known by everyone. I no longer need to hide my emotions…of being Stuck or Captured…of being Sad… of Crying… of Happiness… of Emptiness…of Missing things, people and places…of being in Love… of being Happy…of Anticipation…of lacking Trust… of being hurt… of annoyance…

In a time of difficulty, I could only explore more and more and more… explore what though… explore myself…

Folk art is one of the major parts of my practice. And storytelling is one of the major things that folk art is about. It has been said that folk artists use their piece of art to tell their story at times.  One Indian Folk Art that highly inspired me is Pichwai Art. It is a traditional style of folk art of painting that comes from the state of Rajasthan. It is used to depict stories related to Lord Krishna portraying his various moods. It is painted in bright colours, miniature forms and with extreme detail. The aspect of depicting moods and emotions via painting is something I was drifting towards and this folk art had its basis in the same concept. In its exploration, I realised how bright colours and storytelling is an aspect I would like to use my expression via art. But I find myself drawing back to Van Gogh, his story, his colour schemes, his short-stroke paintings. His patterns were so intriguing, capturing, intense, soothing, absorbing, pleasing and I couldn’t just leave it. I was drawing relationships between folk art and paintings of Van Gogh. During this time, I came across another Indian folk art named the Gond Art.  Gond Art comes from one of the largest tribes of India named the Gond Tribes from Madhya Pradesh prominently and has similarities to other arts too such as aboriginal art from Australia. But I was drawing ties between Gond Art and Van Gogh’s art. The pattern of short strokes, curves, dots, short small movements remind me of Van Gogh’s free-flowing short strokes technique. Gond Art is majorly focused on nature and its connection. Even though Van Gogh’s art has self-reflection and personal feelings it is very much connected to nature as seen in his paintings such as the starry night, sunflowers, irises, poppies, blossoming almond tree, the mulberry tree and such (Redd, 2018; Tales on Silk, 2019 & Subramaniam, 2017).

The ideas were coming together in a way that finally was making sense to me, my practice was getting a direction, my art was getting a direction, in a way I had started developing my world of art. A world where the folk, the contemporary and me all had their place. But what am I doing? Isn’t that something that needs to be answered? But how shall I explore this?

I am painting, I am writing, I am putting all my art, my knowledge, my emotions, my feelings, my ideas, my theories and all in my art output. I put all my emotions in and started painting a canvas, I missed painting a canvas, the cloth, its texture, its feel on fingers. I started using different materials as a way to express my emotions on the canvas. I used Brushes to express my happiness and love, to show my appreciation of the movement of brushes, the subtle, the smooth, the sometimes-rough motion of my fingers painting with the brushes. I used Palette Knives to express my being scared and having trust issues, the sharp, the direct, the straight, the strong, the hard feeling of knives. I used Water to express my emotion of water in my eyes, the endless times of crying my heart out. I used Sponge to express various emotions such as my anxiety, my sadness, my annoyance the same emotions I feel when I use a sponge on a canvas. I used Cello Tape to express my emotions of being stuck and being captured, the sticky feeling, the borders, the small area. I used Random Pieces of Clothes to take excessive paint and water off expressing my attempt to take off my excessive temper, my confusion, my frustration, my anger and my suffering. All the materials used indicate some emotion that I have been feeling during this hard time that the world has been facing.

I am going to tell my story like many other artists around me. But it won’t be the same, it will be something that solely represents me and my story. But it will still have a place among the crowd, I will have viewers for my art just like many other artists around me.

Just like Vincent Van Gogh…

I will paint myself… I will paint feelings… I will paint emotions… I will paint places… I will paint for the world to see… I will paint for the world to understand me… I will paint…

Just like Pichwai Art…

I will tell a story… I will paint it on cloth… I will paint it in bright colours… I will paint it in detail… I will paint for it to revive…

Just like Gond Art…

I will tell a story… I will record my story… I will connect with nature… I will paint nature… I will paint using vivid colours… I will paint using dots, curves and lines…

Just like Italo Calvino…

I will write about cities… I will write about experiences… I will write in paint… I will write about memories… I will write about desires… I will write about signs…

Just like Folk Art…

I will write about stories… I will paint traditionally… I will think with naïveté… I will link the rural… I will also be the jack of all trades…